The Man, the Mall, the Misery…Shopping

Level of Concern: Low

Although we all have wants and needs, your partner will require outings to appease these needs, labeled…shopping. Men usually know of one kind of shopping: food shopping or, for the refined man, grocery shopping. Upon entering a relationship, you will need to expand your understanding of the term shopping. Women can put any word in front of shopping, which will turn the outing into an event. This event usually involves spending money on items that are seasonal or on items that will be rarely worn/ used. You may hear shoe shopping, bag shopping, jewelry shopping, makeup shopping; the list goes on and on. While typically, none of the items on the list are designed with you in mind, you are generally expected to attend the outing. First of all, you are the chauffeur (explained in the boyfriend chauffeur post); secondly, you are responsible for ensuring she is fed during the outing (explained in the "Hunger" post); lastly, together you form a single unit. Doing things separately appears, to your significant other, that you do not find interest in the same things. This ultimately means you are growing apart (even though you spend most waking moments together).

While this may seem like an easy task, a deeper look into the psychology of your girlfriend's shopping will uncover that you are not only there for moral support, but you are also in attendance for your expert opinion in style and fashion (covered in the "how does this make me look" post). A valued opinion on items you have zero interest in is expected while you stand by her side for extended periods of time. For some reason, standing next to your significant other while she shops can zap the energy from your body, much like Kryptonite to Superman, and make your legs feel as if you have been standing for days. Department stores will attempt to ease your pain by placing one old, rusty chair in the middle of the bra section, an oasis in the desert, for you to sit and take a load off. Do not fall for this trap. There is a reason no one is sitting in this chair. Do not be the outcast male sitting alone in the bra section making women feel uncomfortable as they shop for undergarments. By sitting in this chair, you are waving the white flag in defeat. Not only have you given up, but you have probably lost track of your girlfriend, who is ready to move on to the next store. If she sees you in this chair, her shopping excitement will fade, and you will be blamed for her not accomplishing her goal of purchasing items that will rarely be used. The best thing you can do is stand by her side and appear to be unaffected by the extreme boredom and fatigue you are experiencing.

Note: There are sometimes exceptions made for shopping in stores that are dedicated to undergarments. Standing or sitting outside of the store during her shopping is also seen as showing support. Asking the question, “Do you mind if I wait out here?” is acceptable during these select outings.

Additionally, many items will be returned at a later date and, yes, you are expected to attend these outings, as well…sorry.